dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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