And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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