Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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