worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
