Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
