Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
