the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
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i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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