Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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