He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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