So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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