I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
