you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
