His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
