He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
