Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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