I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
