You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
