I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
