I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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