Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
