Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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