yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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