We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
