You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
