Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
