everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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