dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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