I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
