the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
