You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
