before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
