He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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