This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
