Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
