Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
