All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
