she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
