allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
