The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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