i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
