she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
