if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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