You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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