my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
