Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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