Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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