there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
