please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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