I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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