Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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