at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
