He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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