My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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