I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
