everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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