i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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