I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I got inside last night via doggy door
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
