If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
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Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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