How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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