Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
